$FREE PRIVACY POLICY

1. INTRODUCTION 🚀

Welcome to the $FREE Privacy Policy, where we outline exactly what we do with your data (SPOILER: whatever we want). By using our website, you agree to all of this nonsense, whether you read it or not. Let's be honest, you didn't read it.

2. INFORMATION WE COLLECT 🕵️‍♂️

We collect ALL of the following information and more:

• Your name, email, phone number, social security number, mother's maiden name, childhood pet, favorite color, and what you had for breakfast
• Your precise location (we know you're on the toilet right now)
• All of your banking information (this helps us make you RICH!!!)
• The contents of your clipboard (thanks for copying that password!)
• Everything you type, even if you delete it
• Your browsing history (we've seen what you watch at 2 AM)
• Your dreams and innermost thoughts (technology is AMAZING!!!)

3. HOW WE USE YOUR INFORMATION 📊

We use your information for the following completely reasonable purposes:

• Selling it to the highest bidder (and the lowest bidder, and everyone in between)
• Creating elaborate psychological profiles to manipulate you into buying more $FREE
• Sending you notifications at 3 AM about "URGENT PRICE MOVEMENTS!!!"
• Giving it to our CEO's teenage nephew who's "really good with computers"
• Training our AI, which will definitely not become sentient and use your data against you
• Making pretty graphs that go up and to the right in our investor presentations

4. DATA SECURITY 🔒

We take your data security VERY seriously. That's why we've implemented state-of-the-art security measures, such as: writing your password on a sticky note, storing all data in a spreadsheet called "top_secret_DO_NOT_OPEN.xlsx" on our CEO's laptop, and having our password be "password123". Rest assured that your data is completely safe, unless anyone tries to access it.

5. COOKIES POLICY 🍪

We use cookies, super-cookies, mega-cookies, cookie monsters, and cookie dough on our website. These cookies follow you everywhere, even after you close your browser, turn off your computer, and move to another country. They will find you. They always do. Deleting your cookies is interpreted as a declaration of war against $FREE and may result in legal action or sad emoji in your inbox.

6. THIRD PARTY SHARING 🤝

We may share your information with "trusted partners," which includes anyone who sends us an email asking for it, random people we meet at cryptocurrency conferences, and that guy who keeps digging through our dumpster. We also regularly post interesting user data on our company Slack channel for entertainment purposes.

7. YOUR RIGHTS ⚖️

You have the right to request that we ignore your requests about your data. You may ask us to delete your data, which we will acknowledge with a thumbs-up emoji while continuing to use it anyway. If you live in California or the EU, you have additional rights that we will actively work to circumvent through creative legal interpretations and changing our corporate address every 6 months.

8. CHILDREN'S PRIVACY 👶

Our service is not intended for children under 13, but if they have access to a credit card and want to buy $FREE, we won't ask too many questions. Children make EXCELLENT investors because they have their whole lives ahead of them to recover from financial losses!

9. CHANGES TO THIS POLICY 📝

We may change this policy at any time, for any reason, without notice, retroactively, in invisible ink, or while you're blinking. The new policy will likely be worse than this one. Continuing to breathe oxygen after we update the policy constitutes acceptance of the new terms.

10. CONTACT US 📧

If you have any questions about this Privacy Policy, please contact our Data Protection Officer at a randomly generated email address that will be deactivated by the time you read this. Alternatively, you can write your question on a $100 bill and mail it to our PO Box. We still won't respond, but at least we'll be $100 richer.